It is safe to say that this post is LONG overdue. But there is an explanation for the delay in the post and I am finally ready to sit down and reflect on everything that has been happening over these last few months. In addition, its coming up on my ONE YEAR mark, so I think its appropriate timing for this latest post.
As most of you, if not all of you, already know, Matt and I decided to go our separate ways at the beginning of March. I won't get into the details of the split because at the end of the day, I do have respect for our past relationship. Also, my close friends, sister and parents already know the story and I would hate for them to have to re-read it. But the most important thing for you all to know at this point is that it has been almost three months since the split and I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have been since I moved here.
That might be hard to believe considering that the first two months here were filled with blogs about paddle boarding, food festivals, kayaking and Cubs games. But when I reflect back on those first couple of months here, I realized I was relying solely on Matt for my social life. I spent most of the days job searching and when I wasn't job searching, I was exploring the city on my own while Matt was at work. When he was home, a lot of our social life revolved around his co-workers and his friends. Don't get me wrong - that was the "life" I chose at that point in time. I knew moving here meant that until I found a job, I would be relying on Matt and his friends. Remember, he moved up here a full month before I did with a job. In the basketball world, that means you already have a family and a group of friends waiting for you. You don't go through the normal process of trying to meet new people in a new city. You are already thrust into that world.
I knew this would be a huge change for me because Glen Allen was my hometown. I had my lifelong friends, my college friends and my VCU friends there. I was the one that was used to welcoming new people into a group. I was the one that had my arms open to the new wives that joined the VCU family and the new friends from graduate school who were unfamiliar with Virginia. However, when I told Matt that I would be more than happy to move, I knew that the roles were about to reverse.
June 5 marks my one year anniversary in the city and June 8 marks the three month anniversary of the split. As I think about everything that has happened in this past year, and more recently in the past three months, I have no doubt in my mind that someone has been watching over me. There is a reason that within in a month and a half after moving here I was hired part-time by DePaul and eventually hired full-time. There is a reason that within in two months I had met a group of girlfriends who would ultimately become my biggest support system away from home. Someone was telling me that there were bigger reasons for moving to Chicago other than to be with Matt and this is where I am supposed to be.
When Matt and I first split, I kept thinking to myself, how could this be happening now? Last year at this time, we were in the best place of our relationship. VCU was on an incredible run in the NCAA tournament and we were about to find out that we would be moving to Chicago to begin a new chapter in our life together. We were about to embark on some amazing summer adventures together in one of the greatest cities in the country. How could he not remember all of that?
But then it hit me - as great as last summer was, I KNOW this summer is going to be twice a great. I have a full-time job that I love, I have an unbelievable group of friends that have been there for me when my family could not be and I am, for the first time in my life, living completely on my own. THIS is what this move was all about. It was about finding a place for myself in a much bigger world than Glen Allen. It was about stepping outside of my original comfort zone and facing challenges that I may have never faced if I had stayed home. Ultimately, every single one of those challenges has made me a much stronger individual.
I may have had my heart broken, but I will bounce back from that. I am a big believer that you have to put yourself our there in order to really find love and to be loved back. It doesn't always work out and you may even get hurt. But one thing I will not do is have any regrets. A lot of friends and family who saw me go through the break-up probably questioned why I held on for as long as I did. The answer is simple: I wanted to make sure when the relationship ended, I had no regrets and that there were no "what ifs". On March 8, when we went our separate ways, I walked out of that apartment knowing that I had nothing left to give him. I gave him everything that I had and with that, I had no regrets.
Last year, I read a book called "Unbroken" that changed my outlook on life. Without spending too much time on the details on the story, its a true story about an American pilot during WWII that becomes a POW in Japan. The things he suffers through are horrendous and there were times that I could not believe he survived. When he returned home, he naturally struggled to reintegrate himself into civilian life and struggled to find his faith in God. Now, you all know me. I am not one to openly discuss my faith or any struggles I have had with it. So when I got to this part in the book, I was extremely apprehensive. I didn't want this to turn into a story that preaches the goodness of God - at times, that can make me very uncomfortable. I have always felt that faith is a very personal experience and every individual has their own struggles with it. As I continued to read on with some skepticism, there was a line in the book that changed everything for me. As this man was walking out of a church service led by Billy Graham. convinced that if there was a God He would never have let him go through what he went through, Billy Graham uttered these words:
"If you suffer, I will grant you the strength to go forward."
As you can imagine, this stopped the man dead in his tracks. The rest of the story is about how came to the understanding that no matter what obstacles in life he faces, God is the one helping him get through them. He is not moving those obstacles out of the way, but helping the man scale them.
I take this quote a step further. While this quote has helped me fully understand where I stand in my faith, it also falls a bit short. I see it more as no matter what obstacles I face in life SOMEONE is always there to help me get through them - and I WILL get through them. Maybe in some circumstances it is just my faith. But in the past year, it has been so much more than just that. It has been my friends from back home that even from 13 hours away have listened to me on the phone at all hours of the night. It has been my family who dropped everything they were doing to get on a plane to make sure I was okay. It has been my friends here that embraced me from day one. They didn't know me very long before I started having problems with Matt but that didn't matter. As my mom put it, they have been my guardian angels.
I got my heart broken and that's a fact. But I am unbroken because of the people in my life that love me unconditionally and the faith that I have been able to find in the past year. There is not enough thanks in the world that could do justice.
I will leave you with the other quote that I feel defines who I am and who I have become in the past year. Its a powerful one that I have pinned up in my office right above my computer. Courtesy of Maya Angelou:
"I can be changed by what happens to me. I refuse to be reduced by it."
I will not be held down and held back by difficult situations that I face. I was raised to be a fighter and keep pushing forward.
Thank you to all of you who have been patient with me as you have waited for this post. I hope it gives you some insight into the strength I have found from the people in my life. Almost a year ago I made a decision to leave my friends and family behind for love. Even though that original love faltered, I have found new love - Love for this city, love for my friends that have made this place home and love for the life that I am leading. Its a beautiful thing to be able to wake up knowing that this is where I am supposed to be and that I had so much support along the way. I may just be the luckiest girl I know.
